October 20, 2011
I’m in my third week of working a double shift, I’ve been trying not to complain about it, but I’m really feeling burned out. Luckily only two more nights and I’m back on my normal schedule. I got stuck late at work and I just don’t have the energy to go anywhere. So I’ll take a few photos on the way home and put up a few stories from my writing files that I hope will bring you a chuckle. Now it’s off to have a beer or 11 and collapse.
Before the photos and stories though, you should really go check out Lux Living’s review of the IHOP that we went to on Sunday night. It’s hilarious and spot on, check it out at the always entertaining and informative EV Grieve blog right here: Dinner At The East Village IHOP.
Another rainy night out.
But the good news is the McRib is back and at $2.99 it's a bargain. I actually have fond memories about the McRib, maybe that'll be tomorrow's post. You've been warned!
Wow, this place is selling kids for $19.99, pretty cheap, but I think I'll stick to the McRib. Okay, on to the stories.
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Alternative Titles for Sperm
Dong barf, manonaise, penis pudding, Elmer’s spoo, the other white sauce, dick snot, white out, Mel’s torment, glee juice, Harvey, cream of meat, albino love piss, sex sauce, eruption of white, man milk, H 2 Whoa!, jerk sauce, handjob cream, masturbation gravy, asleep at the feel, cock phlegm, oops...I did it again, horsey wagon, jizz juice, white christmas, fuzzy slippers, Aunt Edna, chicken gravy, tea for the spillerman, every schoolboy’s surprise, Dan the antenna, Thurdays and Saturdays, President Truman, dirty socks, a pile of magazines, night rally, stone dust, fish, cheerio old chap, mittens, Dick Dale, several empty boxes, white knuckles, corduroy, checkers, waffles, Thanksgiving Day Parade, rash, toenail clippers, The Week in Rock, a pile of flags, two turtledoves, toe jam, hair dryers, combs, San Quentin Prison, Crispian St. Peters, angels with dirty faces, lemonade, a Bic lighter, keyboards, plaid suitcase, have a good day, the weekend, vodka and orange juice, shave and a haircut two bits, tattoos, swimming pool, an office building, puppy dogs, deodorant, Abe Vigoda, The Supreme Court, The Supremes, an oak tree, a tray of ice cubes, zip discs, Eminem, underwear, eight track tape player, 300 miles out of Florida, wire rim eyeglasses, a white washing machine, The Bay City Rollers, Harlem, a walk in the park, fresh warm cookies, Valentine’s Day, Diet Snapple, Foghorn Leghorn, Tums, two packs of Camel Lights, Sgt. Carter, The Buckinghams, a snow shovel, mud, black and white, toilet cleanser, freckles, orange peels, and last but not least, my favorite alternative title for sperm...Uncle Spunky!
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Future Commercial Catchprases
Lays Fat Free Potato Chips
“Surrender To Anal Leakage!”
Saturday Night Live
“Deny Your Laughter!”
E! Entertainment TV
“Dive into the Shallow End of the Pool!”
Ice (any brand)
“Chill Your Drink!”
The U.S. Army
“It’s More Than A Job, Beause You Can’t Quit!”
Rogaine
“Stop Being Bald!”
Zocor (Simvastatin)
“Pretend Like You Know What This Product Is!”
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Humor in Reader’s Digest
There’s lot’s of humor in Reader’s Digest, unfortunately none of it’s too funny. It’s not that it’s horrible, it just needs some punching up. And nobody’s punchier than me, so I took the task of making the Digest’s humor a little edgier. Below are some humorous selections culled from Reader’s Digest with embellishments added at the end in bold type.
••••
I was leaving the grocery store with my three young sons when I spotted an Army tank loaded onto a flatbed truck with soldiers standing nearby. Knowing how my boys love anything that has to do with the military, I remarked, “Ooohhh, soldiers!”
One of the men gave me a sheepish and somewhat curious grin. Only then did I realize I was standing there alone. My boys had stopped at the gumball machine inside the store. Well, I wasted no time climbing up on that tank and pleasuring every soldier on board, which added up to over 20 strapping brutes in uniform. Hours later I found my boys in the grocery store office. When they asked where Daddy had been for so long, I winked at the grocery store manager and pointed out the window to the tank which was leaving the parking lot. “See those soldiers on the tank boys? Well I just gave them a 21 bun salute!”
••••
The flannel nightshirt my mother gave as a gift had white clouds on a blue background and was very modest. My husband an avid computer user, told me I looked very sexy.
“In this?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yeah,” he replied. “It reminds me of the logo for Microsoft Windows.”
That was a pretty weird remark, but I decided he could have his weekly blow job anyway. But when he got close to his orgasm and started screaming, “You’ve got mail! You’ve got mail!” at the top of his lungs, well that was too much, I ran out of the house and filed for divorce a week later.
••••
My father and husband enjoy working on crossword puzzles together. One day, Dad was baffled by this clue: “Found on a dollar bill.”
Even after my husband filled in the answer, Dad sat scratching his head. “Wet Rust? I still don’t get it!”
To which my husband replied, “no, it’s ‘We Trust.’”
Seconds later the blood drained from my father’s face as he clutched his chest and died on the spot from a stroke.
Without missing a beat, my husband retorted, “Well, that solves ‘what’s a six letter word for heart attack?’ Thanks Pops!”
••••
The company I work for recently purchased a building that had once been a hospital. Management asked for volunteers to help with some light renovation. I joined up, and my first task was to take signs down in the parking lot.
One read, “Reserved for Physician.” I said to a co-worker that I should keep the sign and post it on my sister’s garage door. My friend asked, “Is your sister a doctor?”
“No,” I replied. “She’s single.”
Always wanting to get the last laugh, my friend shot back, “She sounds like a real slut. Why don’t you take that ‘Incoming Traffic’ sign and have the little whore wear it as a belt buckle!”
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Further reading: Wikipedia, Classic TV Ads and Bleeders Digest.
17 Comments | Share Article | tagged Bay City Rollers, Chelsea, Stories, Tired Out Of My Mind | 4 References
Reader Comments (17)
"H 2 Whoa!" I'm going to be laughing at that one for the rest of the day! On a more serious note, who on earth thinks it's alright to put pickles on ribs?
Ha ha. I particularly liked the flannel story conclusion. I also submit "Map of Hawaii", "Pearl Necklace ", and "Creampie" for consideration on your list. How big is the writing file vault?
@Biff: I'll find out tonight, I think I'm going to do an investigative piece no the McRib.
@csp: Map of Hwaii? Ha ha ha! Good one! The file is fairly large, filled with pieces from MySpace and other rejected items by editors who rightly deemed the works tasteless. Something like the McRib.
And for the Latinos "Ay papi,,,ya ya dame tu leche".
@Al: I couldn't get that to translate online, so I'll take your word for that!
Google translate comes up with:
Oh daddy,,, ya ya give me your milk ...
Nice Smorgasbord of Spooge today!
Lux's IHOP review is a classic.
Hang in there Daddio, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a fucking locomotive.
Medieval translate comes up with:
O thine progenitor...verily, verily, givest mine self thouest loin's seed.
@GENE and csp: Babel Fish has this translation:"Ay papi, either or dame your milk."
@"Boris:" Thanks, Daddio! Lux did a great job with the review, let's try and yak soon!
More like "Oh daddy, now, now, give me your cum". the guy must wait til she screams this,,,,latino sex 101.
@Al: ¡Ja! Es bueno saberlo! Gracias, Al!
have self stricken my remarks about this post...much like my sex life...
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
~Dave Barry
rr
@rr: I take it the sticken was done by you, I hope it didn't chew up another comment from you. If so, empty your cache. Perfect DB quote!
Unfortunately I know what Zocor is---puke--give me a mc rib stat.
@Melanie: Ha ha ha! I'm not even going to ask what it is!
It's not a competition. No penis can duplicate the vibrations of the vibrator. And no vibrator can replace a penis.
@Dr. Ruth's Pussy: Thank you Dr. Ruth, now please cover that thing up!