December 5th, 2011
It’s time to start getting in the Christmas spirit here at MAD, so I thought I’d wander over to the Santa’s Village at Union Square Park and then share a magical true Christmas story with all of you. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Bagpipes in the park, it kind of sounds like a pack of lambs in heat. I put a dollar in his tip box, but he continued playing, so it's time to move on.
And here we are, Santa's Village. I don't think it's officially called, Santa's Village, but that's what I've always called it because it's like a little village in the park. Which always makes me think of this band.
There's lots of people here tonight.
Thanks, but I just had a big sandwich a little bit ago.
Never mind the bollocks...
Here's Elvis and a fat naked lady.
At first glance I thought this said, "Diarrhea Boxes." How ironic that I was quite relieved when I discovered it actually said, "Diarama Boxes."
Why, hello Mrs. Davy Crockett!
Nothing says, "Christmas," like a bunch of old locks.
And "Rosebud" seems like the perfect place to end this journey and begin the Christmas tale below.
A Moment Of Christmas Magic In New York City
It’s hard not to get caught up in the Christmas magic in a city like New York. Even the most hard-hearted cynic cannot ignore it. It kind of melts your heart, like cheddar cheese on a Ritz cracker sentenced to five minutes under a broiler by Andy Griffith reprising his role as Sheriff Andy Taylor.
The other night when I was going to see the tree at Rockefeller Center was one of those nights. I got off the subway at 50th Street and started casually strolling towards the big Christmas tree. As I walked down the street I noticed a huge pile of garbage taking up half of the sidewalk. I stopped and then looked over and saw a homeless man sleeping on a filthy, oily sleeping bag right in front of the Tad’s Steakhouse that’s there in the middle of the block. He had dirty, raggedy clothes on and a big white beard, not unlike Santa Claus’s. Except his was really greasy and probably had a large family of lice doing the Charleston Two Step inside of it. It was then I noticed a growing puddle of urine emanating from his crotch area.
I stood there in the middle of the sidewalk watching a passed out bum pissing his pants and took in the combination scent of rancid grilled meat from Tad’s, rotting garbage behind me and the unique odor of fresh hobo urine rising right in front of me. It was exactly at that moment that I thought: “You know, this really is a magical time of year!”
Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
Further reading: EV Grieve, Public Urination and Funny Or Die.
22 Comments
Reader Comments (22)
Well if that story doesn't get you in the spirit, not sure what will! I might have to add an old lock to my christmas list...
Whenever I hear bagpipes, I get this mental picture of an exceptionally mean tomcat getting neutered without the benefit of an anesthesia.
Well it's great to see some things never change. The garbage piled up (like in "The out of towners") the stink, the bum releasing the fluids, well you know how hard it is to find a bathroom in NY,,,very hard, and walking into a establishment they expect you to buy something,,,,not leave something. You sure the dude wasn't dead?
@kari: Glad it helped get you in the old Christmas mood, it was truly a magical moment! A Christmas miracle!
@Jaws: Ha ha ha! Nice description!
@Al: I probably could've checked his pulse, but I wasn't wearing gloves!
Hoo hoo hoo--I did some Christmas shopping..now am chillin..Have a good week, Marty.
Mrs.Davey Crockett....I want a hat like hers for Christmas
Uh...I'm pretty sure that "fat, naked lady" up there is actually '70s Elvis. It was a hard decade.
@Melanie: I need to finish mine up so I can chill out too! You have a great week yourself!
@tehennessey: I'll try and steal it for you.
@Biff: Ha ha ha! Thank ya...thank ya very much!
That is a lot of useless crap in the same spot !
LOL: #OccupyUnion$quare.
I'm guessing sales are better for "Taste of Persia" then "Taste of Iran"
<<SPOILER ALERT>>
Nice Ending BTW
Very nice post Marty.
I wish that I could say that I was excited about Christmas but alas...I cannot. I am however looking forward to going to Las vegas on Christmas night.
I love that Davey Crockett hat!! It sure looks warm!
Taste of Persia/Taste of Iran - LOL
IM STANDING UP AND GIVING THIS POST A MASSIVE ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
Marty, could you PLEASE turn this warm, heartfelt story into a christmas carol??
Deck the fucking halls.
I had one of those dia de los muertos diaramas once.. cant remmeber what they were doing in it though.. got it on melrose in LA..total mexican touristy crap made in china...
I want the fat lady pic.. i think she is kinda hot!
elvis not so much...
im so unamerican and hate elvis LOL
good post today...
@GENE: Ha ha ha! I take it you're not in the Christmas spirit yet?
@csp: Great linkage on both comments, especially Iran! Thanks!
@Tiki Bar Susie: I always say the best thing about Christmas is you don't have to work, I'll have a week off, so I'm excited about that.
@Clacky: Here you go: Clacky Christmas Carol!
@Gidgie: I was never a huge Elvis fan either, although I did enjoy the '68 Comeback Special. I'll go back and try to get the fat lady for you!
"Bagpipes in the park, it kind of sounds like a pack of lambs in heat" - cracked me the hell up. And I love the photo of the screaming frightened children on Santa's lap.
Haven't done any Christmas shopping. Yet (hopefully). Don't much care for a piper like that, but in Scotland, or at a funeral, bagpipes can make me very melancholy.
Hate the damn Christmas booths, but now it's the season, I will be playing the worst (best) Christmas song of all - Dolly Parton's Hard Candy Christmas!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCguQ1_wqVM
@meleah: Glad you got a chuckle out of that and that Santa photo rules!
@onemorefoldedsunset: Oh my god! I have never heard that song and it is truly horrific! I have to listen again!
I love bagpipes! I get all nostalgic when I hear them because I played drums in a bagpipe band. Kari played the pipes, by the way-there's your get-to-know-you moment for the day.
boy MAD must be in the spirit...instead of shyin' away from crowds MAD has gone to two places that was sure to have some sort of to give followers two great posts...the lit tree and now "Santa's village" (come think of it a recent third place w/ a crowd...when MAD caught ST&DCo)...and then MAD stood contemplatin' the minglin' of exotic aromas to conjure up a tale of the magic of Christmas...yes sir MAD has been givin' his all...
“It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.”
Robin Williams
rr
If you take into account that Chef Ridi was wearing a hedgehog on her head at the EXACT moment that "Bum #1,944" (actually, James Franco in what we can only describe as NOT brown velvet pants) was performing "Taking the Piss Out of Christmas" (in consideration of dissertation no. 116 and brought to you by our non-denominational and semi-philanthropic friends at Hefty) while the word "rosebud" was trying desperately to not remind me of an anus, then we can come to only one calculable conclusion. Which is that THAT man killed those bagpipes WITH HIS BARE HANDS! Who knew that David Cross had it in him?
@Britta: I don't think you'd be too nostalgic for the way this guy was killing the bagpipes!
@rr: I'm in the spirit indeed! I do like this time of year, especially if it's not snowing. Perfect and hilarious quote!
@Marg Helgenberger, CSI: Thank you for your comment! I can't wait to see the episode on TV. Okay, I'll probably watch it on Hulu, but still...