April 21, 2011
Before I even begin tonight I want to write about an email I got tonight that really bugged the everloving shit out of me.
I get tons of spam email. And I really don’t mind most of it. Here’s one I got earlier in the evening from a certain, fj.becker. It starts off with the enticing subject of: “Good evening darling,” And then when I opened it up I was presented with this message and clickable link:
When you read it, it’s almost like some sort of kooky, free-form poetry. Look at it in a normal text and grammar setting:
Sandwich...
Watch big dicks fuck the tiny sluts so hard!
Mysterious...hides...
Flies into a rage!
Guardian angels cab driver...
Not too bad, huh? Shit, I might get some tea-shades, a black beret and some bongos and start a whole new career. Swing, baby...swing!
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that your run of the mill porn/Viagra/heir to a fortune emails don’t bother me in the least. I find a good chunk of them entertaining. But then every now and again you get one that seems innocuous at first, but then gets under your skin quicker than a wood shaving while walking barefoot on Coney Island's boardwalk. Here’s the one I’m talking about:
I hate the way this thing starts off with: “Guess what, Martin?” And then they tell you the answer before you can even guess! It’s like asking you a riddle and then not giving you time to try and answer it. It would’ve been a cool marketing ploy to start off with, “Guess what, Martin?...(we’ll let you know in an email in an hour, till then, have fun guessing what we’re going to email you!)”
That would have been fun and I would’ve been guessing right up to the moment I got the email back in the following hour. What in the world were they sending me? Maybe a picture of a basket of radioactive puppies with eyeballs blazing in the color of electric Cheez Whiz! Maybe it would be a photo album of tiny sluts getting fucked by big dicks really hard. Perhaps an offering of a glass swizzle stick emblazoned with a tiny etching of Michael Nesmith.
But I had no fun guessing, because they told me one space later. And I received this lame-ass offer because I bought my dad a bathrobe for Christmas from RedEnvelope (it was monogrammed, I’m no cheapskate!) And that purchase allows me entry into an exclusive club of lucky charmers who get 15% off baskets of chocolate covered strawberries from some god-forsaken place called Shari’s Berries.
Oh Shari, first off thank’s so much for that Steve Perry moment. I had forgotten all about that fucking song and now it’s going to be stuck in my head along with this one. Great.
Secondly, I’m highly suspicious that this “Shari” person even exists. It’s just too much of a coincidence that her name rhymes with the item she’s selling online. Shari’s probably some fat, unshaven slob named Lou from Newark, New Jersey who buys vats of strawberries and chocolate at Costco and then sells them online at inflated prices. He probably smells like he’s been marinating in pastrami, Yoo-hoo chocolate drink and out-of-date Aqua Velva for the last fortnight or three.
And speaking of inflated prices, this majestic “deal” that they’re offering me is six chocolate covered strawberries for $24.99! What the fuck kind of mind-blowing, bizarro “deal” is that? That’s over four dollars a strawberry! And I don’t even like strawberries. And the fact that they’re covered in chocolate is making my skin crawl. And yeah, I know I blew 41 bucks on one drink last night, but at least that thing had about a half a pint of gin in it. All you’re going to get from these things are probably a bad case of the hives.
And Shari is not only trying to rip me off with her exorbitantly high-priced berries, she’s condescending as all hell! Check out this line: “Delight family and friends with a Half Dozen Dipped Fancy Berries.” Yeah, as if my family and friends are such low-life, wild and wooly knuckle-draggers that they’d be simply delighted by the chance to have their very own chocolate covered strawberry. What are you going to try and sell me next Shari? Shiny colored beads that sparkle when light hits them?
And the icing on the over-priced strawberry is this line: “Order today, before it’s too late!”
Too late for what? What, if I don’t order right now something horrific is going to happen? Are animals going to start spontaneously exploding, killing farmers and small children in their bloody, fur-flying wake? Is Armageddon going to reign down from the heavens above because I didn’t buy your four dollar berries? I can just see tomorrow’s headline in the NY Post now:
I’m sorry Shari, I’m going to hit delete now and get rid of your despicable offer as I’ve got other pressing things to attend to. There’s tiny sluts being fucked really hard by big dicks on the internet right now for God’s sake and I don’t want to miss out on that shit!
Okay, tonight’s going to be kind of a simple one, because I’m beat. I was out late last night and didn’t get much sleep and I'm tired. I just thought we’d go over to Penn Station and fuck around.
And here we are. I thought we'd enter from the back of the station tonight, I'm sick of taking pictures of the front of it.
Everyone's stationary on the escalator, nice!
I think this is a mobile art piece called, "A Blast From The Past."
(Joke that only EV Grieve readers will get alert!) There's an angry mob from the East Village protesting the hot chicks in this window.
Let's see what's happening in the Duane Reade store.
There's the Easter stuff, let's go check it out.
Wow, look at all the Easter goodies.
These Easter lambs are sniffing each others chocolate asses. That's kind of gross.
Easter grass, how appropriate, seeing as I'm taking this picture on 4/20.
I thought I'd check out the magazine section. If this woman is trying to look hot, she should try to put on more clothing. She looks a little chilly in this shot.
The greeting card aisle! Let's check out the wholesome humor that these cards always bring.
What kind of card is this doing here? Children could see it!
This is just vulgar! What kind of cards are these?
While I agree with the sentiment here, I don't know if it belongs on a greeting card!
Now this is just too much! Date rape is nothing to be laughing about! Outrageous! I'm going to go home and write a letter to Duane Reade about this! It's just sickening!
Ah, home sweet home! I think I'll have a beer before I write my letter to Duane Reade.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Further reading: Culture Vulture, BRB, Owned and Fail.
You also might like: Exploding Rabbit, Exploding Toads and Big Jim McBob and Billie Sol Hurok.
Half a Dozen Sluts
Reality Sluts
Co-ed Prison Sluts
Red-Headed Slut
Slut Soup
Bret Michaels
Mary Magdalene
28 Comments
Reader Comments (28)
Funniest fucking post ever! That's all I can say, I'm laughing too hard over this!
Those $4.17 strawberries would probably go good dipped into a $41.00 drink ?
i feel guilty for laughing at the date rape card, but its just too funny! lol!
I told you not to trust Card Board man, now the square headed son of a bitch is stealing your beers....don't you have a fire place???
@Barflly: Thanks, glad you got a larf out of it!
@GENE: True! They probably sell them at Sir Harry's, for ten bucks a strawberry!
@rita r: Duane Reade are the ones who should feel guilty for selling that horrible card!
@Knuckles Tiki Bar: Good idea!
@Martin and/or current resident: I'd hold off on those berries, apparently the market is soft.
Of course you could always make them yourself if you wold get rid of that fucking box-man.
In the spirit of your greeting cards, here's a gratuitous picture of box/pussy .
P.S. What does artificial grass have to do with Hitler's birthday?
Are those greeting cards located in the special section in the BACK of the store with the peep shows!?! Jesus wept.
Shortly after I went on line for the first time (I'm a late comer to the internet, relatively speaking) it didn't take long for the computer marketing types to figure out that I'm single and male, and then the sneaky e-mails with the bad prose and the little links in them started showing up in my in box. Click on it, and the next thing you know, you're looking at a naked girl with jizz all over her phiz (among other things). Hard core pornography isn't really my thing, but those e-mails began showing up in a never ending stream. At first, I would use them to hone my skills as a writer by sending replies to these e-mails in as creative and profane manner as I could come up with, but that just encouraged them. Now, I just blow them off into the spam zone with my trusty comcast smartzone spam button.
Oh...my...Ghod...I just checked out your slut list...think I'm gonna fix myself some slut soup and then go out looking for that terrible, terrible slut spill. Poor sluts...bwahahahahahaaaa!!!!
Yes This is one of the funniest post I seen , I agree with Barfly !!!
Can't wait to see if Duane Reade will respond to your letter , because any kind of Rape is not a joking matter , & for them to have that card means to me they promote Rape .
Hay Marty did you buy that card for evidence , & we should get some people & make signs or enlarge the card & make a protest out side of the Duane Reade , it would be great for your blog !!!
@csp: $19.99 is still overpriced for a berry covered in chocolate! The reason Hitler's birthday is celebrated with grass is that he was an avid gardener. Kind of like Chance in Being There.
@Jaws: That Onion slut video is one of the funniest things I've ever seen!
@JHwang: No I didn't buy it, but I could always print it out here at work...whoops...just kidding!
wow. look at all of those payphones. That really IS a blast from the past!
I NEED that glass swizzle stick emblazoned with a tiny etching of Michael Nesmith. Really I do.
So Marty, you've got me thinking about that double gin & tonic. Was it in a jumbo glass or was it just two shots + tonic? If so -- what if you ordered a gin on the rocks with a splash of tonic? Just my inner Scottish thrift, thinkin' away....
The driver of the slut bus was seen wandering around after the spill whining; "I want my life back!"
@Meleah: And notice that they're all empty. They should rip them out and use it for something else.
@Grade "A" Karen: I ordered a double gin and tonic in a tall glass and he filled the glass two thirds of the way with gin and then topped it off with tonic. I think it's the strongest drink I've ever had, but for 41 bucks it should be. And if only that Michael Nesmith swizzle stick existed!
“Guess what, Martin?”
Chocolate lamb butt, that's what!!
Now can I be in your beat poetry gang?
the hot tub card,,,,funny and the dog drinking out of the toilet,,, Never thought a double gin and tonic could cost 41 bucks,,,I just bought a 1.750 bottle of Pinch for 47 dollars, I know its a fancy bar and a fancy hotel but hey,,,thats why god invented flasks so you can order a coca cola and then load up your drink when the asshole turns his back,,,,they deserve that for those outrageous prices.
Those cards ROCK! The combination of them and the lyrics at the end of your post reminded me of "Art Lover" by the Kinks. I think I'll go home, throw that on the ol' turntable, and delight in the idea of a chocolate-covered strawberry.
Your low-life, wild and wooly knuckle-dragging friend,
Biff
@Meleah That's not a blast from the past, that's Superman's new dream walk-in closet.
@MAD: Makes sense since Hitler was a vegetarian. Also (just to piss you off), if that girl on the escalator would just move a couple of feet to the right, you could walk right down the escalator past the lollygaggers as God intended.
@Ned Sparks: Pack up your bongo's and grab your beret, you are in!
@Al: A flask is a great idea. Next time!
@Biff: I love the phrase, wild and wooly, it makes me think of a crazed Michael Nesmith.
csp: Now where did I put that csp voodoo doll...
barfly hit it very funny post...not sure of a couple of those cards..."box man" was especially unexpected and i almost fell outa the chair with laughter...guess MAD is still obsessed w/ that sheen guy...
I ignore Hallmark Holidays. And this comes from a guy who has sold a million Opus greeting cards.
Berke Breathed
rr
forgot to say that ned sparks gave MAD a chance to wonder for a while...
rr
Those chocolate strawberries are repulsive & that "Wait no longer for Easter Sweetness" sounds much too suggestive to me. Ugh! The cards should be burned! I am quite shocked by today's post, Marty.
Don't even bring up the subject of Christmas trees. A new post today, but not with my tree. Blacklisted!!
Wow I'm not sure the last time I saw one pay phone let alone a room of them. Lindt makes the best chocolate, I'm sad to see they have turned to beastiality. My boss was just talking today about how he would never get into a hotel hot tub, I need that card for him.
@rr: Glad to hear you got some laughter out of this! Another great quote!
@onemorefoldedsunset: I was shocked you weren't represented too!
@kari: Feel free to print the card out!
Morning.
@csp: Holy shitballs! Nightmares tonight from that!
I love the "Crawlmark" Cards!
Methinks we should pursue this idea.
Great post!