June 16, 2011
I’ve whined so much about my job on here and here I go again. The day started out fine, there was work, but no crazy deadlines and no stress. Then all of a sudden, boom, super rush jobs, problems and out of control stress. Another shitty fucking night and now it’s after midnight and I don’t even feel like going to my Fortress of Solitude. I just want to go home and have one or 17 beers and pass the fuck out go to sleep. I don’t even feel like writing a short story, so I thought I’d pull some stuff out of a magazine I put out a few years ago called Natalie Word. You can read more about the magazine here: Natalie Word.
The whole thing was just a goof, I knew there was no commercial potential, it was just something to do. It was fun, because I did both the issues all myself, from writing everything, to designing the logo to laying out the pages. I can kind of be a control freak when it comes to doing a project like this and it’s fun to do it all alone. I liked the second issue a lot better than the first one. For that one, I took magazine layouts and ads, scanned them and then wiped their copy out and wrote my own, using their layouts as a template. One of the articles came from Time magazine and it was called, “What Would Lincoln Do?” I wiped out their copy and put mine in and for some reason its always cracked me up. Usually when I finish writing something I’ll read it quite a few times if I like it and then move on and never look at it again. For some reason I’ve read the Lincoln story over and over and it still cracks me up. I’ve always thought it could be a Saturday Night Live skit that they run into the ground. (Although I’m hardly the one to be criticizing anyone on running something into the ground. See: Dog, Papaya!) So here it is below along with a few ads I doctored for the second issue of Natalie Word. Enjoy!
You’re in a tight jam, a problem has risen and you think to yourself: “Hmmm...what would Lincoln do?”
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You’re at home enjoying a nice dinner when all of a sudden out of the blue, three masked burglars with shotguns burst in and demand all of your money and valuables.
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d glance up from dinner, look the burglars right in the eyes and forcefully say, “Hey, I’m Lincoln! You don’t seriously think you’re going to rob me, do you?”
The burglars think for a second and then realize that it would be a huge mistake to rob Lincoln. They leave and Lincoln goes back to enjoying his steak dinner.
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You have a very bad back condition and you’re driving to the hospital in your car when your left front tire blows out. You pull over, but there’s no way you can change the tire with the condition your back is in. A group of unruly, drunken teenagers stop at the scene, but just mock you and refuse to change the tire.
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d shake his head at the teenagers and then loudly declare, “Hey this is Lincoln here! Now get out of that car and change my tire so I can get to the hospital for some painkillers. And speaking of painkillers, give me one of those beers.”
The teenagers give Lincoln a beer and proceed to change his tire like they were a pit crew at the Indianapolis 500.
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You’re at Bed, Bath and Beyond and you find a quilt that is marked “50 percent off.” It’s just the thing you’ve been looking for, but when you go to buy it, the cashier says you have to pay full price because that sale ended the day before and the tag was mistakenly left on.
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d cock his left eyebrow and then forcefully and confidently say to the cashier, “Listen, Tootsie, maybe you don’t realize it, but I’m Lincoln! Now you don’t think I’m paying full price for this do you?”
The cashier realizes the error of her ways and rings the quilt up at the sale price.
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You wake up with a horrific head cold. All you want to do is drink some NyQuil and go back to bed, but you’re all out of NyQuil. So you get up, get dressed and walk to the Duane Reade drug store on 14th street, but you can’t find any NyQuil. When you ask the store manager, he tells you it’s on back order and you’re out of luck.
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d scowl at the manager and then in loud and angry tones say, “Look, you’re dealing with Lincoln, here! Now get me some NyQuil!”
The manager sends a clerk to the Rite Aid drug down the block to get a bottle and then gives it to Lincoln free of charge.
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You go to a Chinese massage parlor and the woman who greets you tells you it’ll be two hundred dollars for a full body nude massage with a “happy ending.”
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d scoff and demandingly say to the Chinese woman, “Hey that’s a little steep, you do know that you’re dealing with Lincoln here, don’t you?”
The Chinese woman says to him, “You pay two hundred dollars. I don’t care if you are Lincoln. You’ll have good time and a happy ending, well worth the money. You’ll see.”
Lincoln realizes it’s ridiculous to try and haggle with the Chinese woman and pays her the two hundred dollars. She gives him a massage, stimulates the Lincoln log and this writer is thrilled to finish with a happy ending to this story.
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Further reading: Natalie Word One, Natalie Word Two, Dan London Interview and New York Observer.
You also might like: Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice.
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