May 6, 2011
Two of my favorite writers are Amy and David Sedaris. Last year when Biff came into town, she brought along tickets to see David Sedaris at the legendary Apollo Theater up in Harlem. It was a great night and it’s also when we met Tim “Clacky” Clack and his girlfriend, Shannon. You can read about that night here: David Sedaris at the Apollo Theater, sponsored by Biff!
Amy Sedaris has a new book out called, Simple Times—Crafts For Poor People. I recently bought it and I thought it would be cool to stalk her go to her apartment and see if she would sign it.
“And just how do you know where she lives?” You may be wondering.
Simple. I shelled out ten bucks for the New York City Celebrity Map.
I didn’t buy it specifically to stalk try to meet Amy Sedaris, I thought I might use it for some late night MAD adventures, but as I was looking the list over, there was her name, right below Antonio Banderas. I feel a little pathetic using a service that not only alphabetizes by the first name, but also thinks that the letter “M” comes after “N” in the alphabet.
But I’m going to trust them anyway. The address they give is in the West Village, and I do know that she lives in that neighborhood. As far as the exact address, get your own New York City Celebrity Map if you want to stalk try and meet Amy Sedaris. However I will let you know that Antonio Banderas lives at 50 Central Park West. And you owe me 53 cents for that information by the way!
And we're off. I have to tell you, I'm a little nervous about this whole thing. I'm trying to figure out what to say if I actually do get to meet her.
Let's stop in here for a little liquid courage.
The old beer with a straw in it hidden in a brown bag. Yeah, like a cop will never know what it is in this disguise!
Okay, now I'm nervous walking around with this beer on top of wondering what I'll say to Amy Sedaris if I get to meet her. One rule about being around funny people is not to try to be funnier than they are, because you'll never pull it off and you'll end up looking pathetic. But I don't want to come off as a total dud either. Sheesh, I'm a total nervous wreck right now and paranoid as shit with this 16-ounce can of unlawfulness in my hand. I just thought of what to say! I'll show her the map and how her name is beneath Antonio Banderas and then I'll say, "It says you're beneath Antonio Banderas and that's a total lie! You're much funnier and you didn't have to marry Melanie Griffith to get a green card." That's pretty good, right? Fuck, I'm throwing the beer away, it's just making me too nervous. I should've just gone back to the M&M store tonight. This is a crazy-ass thing to be doing!
Fancy psychic window alert!
You've got to love it when you look in a Mexican restaurant and there's a guy that looks like he's passed out wearing a sombrero. He kind of looks like Antonio Banderas!
Shit, I still need to get my mom a present! There's just not enough time in the day to get everything done.
Aaaaahhh! Quit reminding me that I'm a bad son!
Okay, we're almost there!
Here's the building and the door is wide open! Holy shitballs, maybe I can just walk in, find her apartment number on the mailboxes and go knock on the door. I'm going to wait out here for a few minutes first and practice that Antonio Banderas joke.
Shit, I'm across the street now. I went inside the building and there was a Spanish doorman behind a desk. I was tempted to ask if he was related to Antonio Banderas, but decided not to press my luck. He asked if he could help me and I asked him if he could ring Amy Sedaris's apartment and ask her if she would sign my book. He told me he couldn't give out any information about the building. I told him I didn't need any information, I was just curious if Amy Sedaris would sign my book. I added that I was a big fan, for emphasis. He told me he couldn't give out any information about the building. We volleyed back and forth a few more times and he started looking pretty nervous, so I decided to retreat before he called the cops. Now I'm standing here like some sort of failed Margaret Ray. This wasn't a very good night. Sorry.
I wonder what Antonio Banderas is doing right now at this moment? Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
Amy Sedaris
Simple Times—Crafts For Poor People
Further reading and watching: amysedarisrocks.com, Amy Sedaris YouTube Channel, goodreads and Late Night.
You might also like: Jimmy Olsen, The Olsen Twins and Twins.
Five More Great Writers
Henry Beard
Hunter S. Thompson
Michael O’Donoghue
Fred Exley
Donn Pearce
Well all you ladies gather 'round
That good sweet candy man's in town.
(Surprise link...click on it...I dare you!)
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Bonus Photo by ragin' rr!
MAD commenter and quote-gatherer, ragin' rr sent in this photo from the front page of the Hartford Courant newspaper.
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
32 Comments
Reader Comments (32)
i love amy sedaris and would like to stalk her too! your antonio joke was great, save it for when you finally meet her. and the bonus photo by ragin rr...lmao!
You're nervous about what you will say when you meet her, not the fact that you are just randomly planning on walking up to a celebrities house and trying to meet them? We are very different people :) I love the Sedaris clan. Too bad you didn't get to meet her. Someday. I'm pathetic because that hot dog craft totally turned me on haha. I need to buy that book!
Can't believe you made me watch a Britney video! Nice photo share rr!
Thanks for the Antonio tip (the check is in the mail). Wait, how do I get your address ... are you listed in the Official Famous NYC Bloggers Map or do I just have to wander around town looking for windows with black construction paper on them?
What I REALLY want is a time machine so that I can go back to the set of El Mariachi and warn Antonio about the trainwreck that is Melanie heading his way ... and also Shrek. Both will come with a certain amount of $$ but will ruin him forever.
@rita r: The joke is saved and waiting!
@kari: Sorry about the Brit video! But it was too perfect!
@roadsidewonders: I've got a time machine in my apartment. Come on over, it's the one with the black construction paper on the windows! I've got beer!
Um, social mores dictate that direct celebrity stalking BAD. That said, society drinks thirstily from the fount of indirect celebrity stalking. You may want to write a review of Mary's Fish Camp, 64 Charles St.
I have never heard of Amy Sedaris, though I think this post today kinda reminds me of Chapman waiting outside the Dakota,,,,,,good thing you weren't packing anything more lethal than a can of beer with a straw,,,lol
@csp: Now I'm craving s'mores!
@Al: You should check her books out, they're hilarious. She and her brother David are geniuses!
Hey Marty...suppose that doorman DID call the cops and you got busted and Amy freaked out and wrote a book about her terrifying experience about her encounter with the MAD stalker and it got turned into a made for T.V. miniseries....who do you see being hired to play you?
@ Raginrr...looks like a publicity still for the new George A Romero film; 'Night of the Living Cardboard Boxheads'...a strange virus from an exploded space probe returning from Venus turnes the entire population of New York in to flesh eating cardboard box-head people....AAAAHHHHHH!!!
@JAWS ..... of course, Kiefer Sutherland would have to play Marty in the movie !
@GENE: This begs the question.
@csp .......... hell, Gumby can't whip Cardboard Box Man ........ Jack would shoot Gumby right in the balls .....
@Jaws: GENE answered the question! I've never seen the resemblance, but lots of people have told me that I look like Kiefer Sutherland. Hey, he's on the celebrity map, maybe I'll stalk him next week. I know he really likes to booze it up, and I know Leslie Hope!
@csp: Ha ha ha! Nice one! And of course Gumby wins!
@GENE: Gumby has no genitalia!
Who knows, you may run into her some day out of the blue. When I we were visiting you last Fall, I took a walk around the neighborhood one afternoon, and saw that little actor from "The Station Agent" (and also one episode of "30 Rock") walking past with some girl on Greenwich Ave., and when I went to the Chinese place on 6th Ave/12th St, I saw some guy who looked like an unkempt Christopher Guest. (Probably wasn't, though.) So just carry the book with you at all times! :-)
"I we"? What the hell was that? Ignore typo...
@Aaron: Believe me, I'm going to be hanging around that block a lot!
See Marty you are out there stalking famous people and now the Box Man is staking you. Watch your back.
You should write a little letter to Amy, explaining how you're her drunkest fan and would really appreciate an autograph and/or interview for your fab blog MAD. Maybe mention that it's gone global and would be really good free advertising for her books and wands and teakettle toppers and whatever else she's peddling these days. Attach a book of stamps. Draw a little rabbit for effect. Then tuck the letter inside the bookcover flap and go back. If the doorman doesn't let you up (which he won't), just leave the book/letter combo, slip him a twenty, and ask that he deliver it to her next time she comes down for her NYTimes or Chinese food or pot delivery or whatnot. The worst that could happen is that she sells your book at a reading and feeds your note to Dusty. The best that could happen is you receive your book back, torn to shreds, with a note calling you a motherfucking stalker and going all Garbo on your ass. THAT, my friend, is eBay GOLD! And, you know, somewheres in between you get the possiblity of a charmed entertainer, admiring your chutzpah, and rewarding you with an interview. It could happen.
@Kuckles Tiki Bar: Ever since I met up with Cardboard Box Man, my eyes have been glued to my back. It's been very painful!
@Biff: That is a great idea! I'm going to do it, when I get some money, I'm hiring you as my marketing/P.R. guru! But don't quit your day job just yet! I bet I will get an interview! If so, you should fly in for it!
Hey Marty, sorry it didn't work out, but I'm just so impressed that you tried to do it. I bet you'll get to her - I think she would love MAD!
A great effort nonetheless!
Good thing you didn't show up at her building wearing the cardboard box.
I thought it actually made for a very good MAD post today.
Keep up the good work Daddio.
@onemorefoldedsunset: I'm going to try Biff's idea, I think it just might work!
@"Boris:" Thanks, Daddio!
I love @Biff
I Think You Should Stalker
gallant effort...not sure on approach...we all know MAD marches to a different drummer,,,hope you connect and get an interview...carry around that book and someday it may all come togrther...i'm sure some of us recall how you touched base w/ carl bernstein...
You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.
-Kinky Friedman
rr
@Zioum's Zioum's Man: One night of stalking is enough for me, I'm going to try Biff's idea.
@rr: Thanks again for the bonus photo, great one! And thanks as always for the perfect quote!
Kinky just made page 16 of The New Yorker, so no more bouncing for him. Nice sentiment, though. And first thing tomorrow, I'm looking up the definition of rhinotillexomania. Whatever it is, I'm sure it deserves a liberal interpretation on urbandictionary.
Who is Amy Sedaris? I wouldn't know a celebrity if I met one on the street. Hell, half the time I fail to even recognize my own friends!
Holy shit balls. Now I feel nervous. Somehow you've been able to express your emotions vividly through this post.
I got messy that night at Milady's. Good times!!
Howdy Biff!!!
Luckily Shannon was there to catch your beer (without spilling a drop, I might add)!
Howdy Clacky!
@Biff: Who's Kinky?
@DogNose: She's one of the funniest people in the world. Check out her new book! Good to hear from you!
@Clacky: That was a messy night, but fun!
@Biff: I remember that, an amazing catch by Shannon!
Kinky Friedman. Friend of Willie Nelson and star of raginrr's comment.
@Biff: Thanks, it was bugging the shit out of me!