September 9, 2011
As you know from my nightly whining, it’s been one hell of a week. It started out with a bang and kept on booming. We’ve had a job at work that we had to get out this week and I’ve been working 12 to 14 hour days and nights. I’m really burned out tonight, so I’m going to put out something I wrote a few years ago when I was blogging on MySpace. Anybody remember MySpace? Anyone...anybody...Bueller...Bueller...Bueller...(yes, I plan on running this right into the ground like everything else!)
Anyway, back then Rachael Ray was doing her 30 Minute Meal show on the Food Network and it used to drive me batty. I couldn’t understand how this woman got a show on television. And now she’s got her own network show, a magazine and endorsement deals out the wazoo. How this woman turned herself into a brand is something I’ll never understand. But back when I wrote this, she was still doing her “Thirty Minute Meals” show on the Food Network and I wondered what it would’ve been like if she had joined forces with Charlie Manson and his family back in 1969. I think it would’ve gone a little something like this.
Rachael Ray: Good evening, kids and welcome to Thirty Minute Murders! I’m your host and Manson family member, Rachel Ray! Tonight we’re going on the road to violently maim and murder a whole houseful of perfectly innocent people, all in the name of our personal Jesus, Charlie Manson! And we’ll do this in under 30 minutes, leaving us plenty of time to attend the group orgy with the rest of the family later on tonight! These pigs are gonna go, blam-O! So let’s get in the car and get moving, kids! This is going to be so awesome!
Rachael Ray: Okie, dokie! I’m here in the car with my trusty sous murderers! Yay! How are we doing, gang?
Charles “Tex” Watson: I'm the devil, and I'm here to do the devil's business.
Rachael Ray: Well, I hope you’ve got a devil of an appetite, Tex! I’ve brought a bag of sammies I prepared for our drive! You should never murder on an empty stomach, so I’ve brought some homemade ham sammies! Yum-O! I made them with ingredients I found abandoned in the Winn Dixie trash cans on Alameda Drive! I really scored on this dumpster dive, guys! I found a half a loaf of Wonder Bread, sure it’s moldy, but it’s a lovely shade of blue! You eat with your eyes as well as your mouth, kids! I found some loose slices of ham on the bottom of the trash bin and I was hoping to score some EVOO to finish the sammies off, but there was none to be had! So I guess our sammies will be EV-NO, NO! Ha ha ha! Get it, gang? EV-NO, NO! I have no EVOO! Ha ha ha! What an awesome joke! Hey Susan, are you ready for a sammie? They are Yum-O!
Susan Atkins: Death to political piggies.
Rachael Ray: Right on Susan! (handing her a sandwich) And this little piggie went to market! Chow down, sister, it is dee-lish! I love sammies!
Susan Atkins: Rise and kill. Their pleasant little world will soon be a bloodbath. The pigs will die.
Rachael Ray: And they’ll die in under thirty minutes! I am so excited! This is going to be so awesome! Okay gang, 10050 Cielo Drive, we’re here! Now the drive only took 5 minutes, so that gives us a whopping 25 minutes to get in the house and kill all the pigs inside! Oh and Charlie always says to leave something witchy behind, so I’ve decided we’ll paint the walls with the victims own blood, or as I like to call it, VOB! After all gang, you murder with your eyes as well as with your hands! Yay! Linda, why don’t you stay in the car and be the lookout in case any pigs come around.
Linda Kasabian: Charlie is not the executioner or the devil. He is my God.
Rachael Ray: Speaking of executioners, I hope you’re all ready gang, because we’ve got just under 23 minutes to execute these pigs and decorate the house in their VOB! Okay kids, one, two, three, let’s get in there and kill the pigs! Wham-O!
Charles “Tex” Watson, Susan “Sadie Mae” Atkins, Patricia Krenwinkel and Linda Kasabian:(in zombie-like unison) Kill the pigs. Death to pigs.
Rachael Ray: Okay, we’re in the house and we have corralled all our victims in under three minutes! How awesome is that, gang? That leaves us plenty of time for brutal killing and murder. Tex has just wrapped a rope around Jay Sebring’s neck. He’s using a rope that he brought from the ranch, but if you don’t have rope, improvise! You could use an electrical cord, copper wire, a phone cord...sometimes I like to go native and use my bare hands! Yay! Sadie has just stabbed Voytek Frykowski to death and she’s carving something into his forehead! She’s using a serrated knife, which is also an excellent knife to cut fresh bread with! She used a towel to tie his hands together, but you could also tear up some of the victim’s sheets and use them as well! Be creative in your killing, gang! It makes it so much more fun when you add your own little gruesome touches to the murder scene! Tex just finished off Abigail Folger by violently stabbing her 51 times and she is dead-O! Yay, all the pigs are dying, just like Charlie wanted and they’re dying in under 30 minutes, kids! This is so awesome! Wowee, Susan just stabbed Sharon Tate to death and she’s carving the unborn fetus out of Sharon’s stomach! Oh, baby! Wheee! I love murder! Yay!
Susan Atkins: I feel no mercy for this pig.
Rachael Ray: Speaking of pigs, there’s still some ham sammies left in the car for the ride home, gang! Okie dokie, everyone’s dead and the gang is now starting to paint the wall’s with the VOB! I think I’ll join in! First I’ll need a paint brush, though! Time to improvise, kids! What I’m going to do is to pull a hunk of Sharon’s hair right out of her scalp and tie the bottom with a rubber band she had around her wrist! Voila! Instant paint brush! This is so awesome! Now let me dip the brush into some VOB and start painting! In honor of my deelish ham sammies, I’m painting “death to pigs” on the refrigerator! This is so much fun! Tex and the rest of the gang have covered the walls with VOB and we have finished this 30 minute murder, with plenty of time to spare! Looks like we’re going to be able to make tonight’s drug fueled orgy back at the Spahn ranch, easily! I just hope I don’t get partnered up with Squeaky, she doesn’t like to bathe and it’s a little funkified when you go south of her border, kids! Yuck-O! We’ll see you next time on Rachel Ray’s Thirty Minute Murders! Till then, death to the pigs, rise and kill and of course, Helter Skelter! Hey, it’s coming down fast, gang! Yay!
Further reading and watching: Bored Board, facecrack, charlie manson.com and The Daily Mail.
You Might Also Like: Tofu, Toto and Toe Jam Football.
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In their eyes there's something lacking,
What they need's a damn good whacking.
17 Comments
Reader Comments (17)
I love it when she bends over in her tight pants and takes the lasagna out of the oven or has to carry armloads of vegetables and other goodies from the fridge. My mouth was open all the time in watching her that's why I no longer watch. She was just in my way haha!
Don't sugar coat it Marty...tell us how you REALLY feel about Rachel Ray....
I've always thought Rachael Ray would make an interesting contestant on Hell's Kitchen...picture Chef Gordon Ramsay reading her the riot act and her response (but not too close to dinnertime, you understand).
A very disturbing post today, Marty.
@Mykola Mick Dementiuk: At least you had the good sense to look away!
@Jaws: Disturbance is my middle name. Oh, okay, it's really David.
What a wild imagination to come up with this today. It takes work to think this out in a funny way for us. Rachel Ray is someone I haven't thought about in years, I don't dislike her, just feel her shows are too prepped and easy for her to create the recipes. Hell, I could cook in 30 minutes also if I had everything measured and ready to go. How those Manson girls and Watson were talked into killing,,(even while taking drugs) is beyond me, weak minded fools. I was out there when it happened, Sharon Tate, pregnant, Abigail Folger, the LaBianca's,,innocent people, at home,,,,,, hope they rot in prison.
@MAD: Your expoé on the Manson/Ray collabaration was delish! If you have a free moment, I thought you might consider this as your job's theme song
Sorry no pretty visuals, just wholesome lyrics.
"The shit's gotta run." - Cheers
Yeah definitely disturbing. I mean she always bugged me, but I didn't realize how deep your dislike went lol. I know you actually watched her show though from everything that got thrown in there. The one thing that always bugged me was not her overuse of EVOO but that 98% of the time she said it, she also said all the words. "EVOO, extra virgin olive oil." If you're just going to say all the words, why the hell are you also saying the acronym!
Damn Marty, working working 12 to 14 hour days and nights, is BRUTAL! I really feel for you.
And um... Rachel Ray totally irritates me to the point where I want to stab her, in the jugular, with scissors!
@Al: Anthony Bourdain once skewered Rachel Ray on the David Letterman show. He basically said that just because she can cook a mediocre meal in a half an hour doesn't make her a chef by any means of the imagination. Her voice sounds like Rocky from Rocky and Bullwinkle only more annoying!
@csp: The shit is running all right! At least for me there's an exit date in the future! Thanks for the linkage!
@kari: For me it was like watching a car wreck, disturbing, but I couldn't stop watching the goddamned show!
@Meleah: Agreed!
HA ha ha ha. I clicked the "Rachel and Friends" link. I didn't see Chandler, Joey, or Ross. Nice.
@csp: I was hoping someone would get that!
damn csp lost me again...nice little did-die abour r ray (she probably got where 'cause of her good buddy oprah)...now MAD should put his creative juices to work and go after other posers...fuck emeril comes to mind...bom and raised in new england made his claim to fame as a "bayou boy"...what a fuckin' joke...
nice nightcap...hard to believe harrison wrote that...last night i put forth that "smokestack lightning" might have been a "cooler" nightcap...although the yardbirds had a version IMHO chester burnett (aka howlin' wolf) had the best...i posted it somewhere...lord only knows where...someplace somewhere people are sayin' what is this guy talkin' 'bout...
of course everybody probably says that all the time...
“Murder is always a mistake - one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner”
~ Oscar Wilde
rr
"Rachel and Friends" link-Wife coming home any second, must delete browsing history, must delete, must delete.
@rr: Typing in your initials just now makes me wonder? Are you Rachael Ray posting under a pseudonym? I didn't know that about Emeril. I hate him too. I bet he says, "BAM!" when he jerks off! Nice Oscar quote tonight! Oh, Bobby Flay's Mesa grill is right around the corner from where I live, I saw him talking to someone once near the door on the sidewalk and yelled out, "Hi Emeril." He gave me a real dirty look!
@Crazy Eddie: ha ha ha! I hope I didn't get you into trouble!
MAD...was sorta contemplatin' postin' like a pissed-off rachael ray but ah let it lie...that's a real good one 'bout bobby flay...i would have liked to seen that look...
rr
@rr: He wasn't too happy with the joke. BAM!
I'm having Mexican for dinner.