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Entries in Rachael Ray (1)

Thursday

Sep082011

September 9, 2011

As you know from my nightly whining, it’s been one hell of a week. It started out with a bang and kept on booming. We’ve had a job at work that we had to get out this week and I’ve been working 12 to 14 hour days and nights. I’m really burned out tonight, so I’m going to put out something I wrote a few years ago when I was blogging on MySpace. Anybody remember MySpace? Anyone...anybody...Bueller...Bueller...Bueller...(yes, I plan on running this right into the ground like everything else!)

Anyway, back then Rachael Ray was doing her 30 Minute Meal show on the Food Network and it used to drive me batty. I couldn’t understand how this woman got a show on television. And now she’s got her own network show, a magazine and endorsement deals out the wazoo. How this woman turned herself into a brand is something I’ll never understand. But back when I wrote this, she was still doing her “Thirty Minute Meals” show on the Food Network and I wondered what it would’ve been like if she had joined forces with Charlie Manson and his family back in 1969. I think it would’ve gone a little something like this.

Rachael Ray: Good evening, kids and welcome to Thirty Minute Murders! I’m your host and Manson family member, Rachel Ray! Tonight we’re going on the road to violently maim and murder a whole houseful of perfectly innocent people, all in the name of our personal Jesus, Charlie Manson! And we’ll do this in under 30 minutes, leaving us plenty of time to attend the group orgy with the rest of the family later on tonight! These pigs are gonna go, blam-O! So let’s get in the car and get moving, kids! This is going to be so awesome!

Rachael Ray: Okie, dokie! I’m here in the car with my trusty sous murderers! Yay! How are we doing, gang?

Charles “Tex” Watson: I'm the devil, and I'm here to do the devil's business.

Rachael Ray: Well, I hope you’ve got a devil of an appetite, Tex! I’ve brought a bag of sammies I prepared for our drive! You should never murder on an empty stomach, so I’ve brought some homemade ham sammies! Yum-O! I made them with ingredients I found abandoned in the Winn Dixie trash cans on Alameda Drive! I really scored on this dumpster dive, guys! I found a half a loaf of Wonder Bread, sure it’s moldy, but it’s a lovely shade of blue! You eat with your eyes as well as your mouth, kids! I found some loose slices of ham on the bottom of the trash bin and I was hoping to score some EVOO to finish the sammies off, but there was none to be had! So I guess our sammies will be EV-NO, NO! Ha ha ha! Get it, gang? EV-NO, NO! I have no EVOO! Ha ha ha! What an awesome joke! Hey Susan, are you ready for a sammie? They are Yum-O!

Susan Atkins: Death to political piggies.

Rachael Ray: Right on Susan! (handing her a sandwich) And this little piggie went to market! Chow down, sister, it is dee-lish! I love sammies!

Susan Atkins: Rise and kill. Their pleasant little world will soon be a bloodbath. The pigs will die.
Rachael Ray: And they’ll die in under thirty minutes! I am so excited! This is going to be so awesome! Okay gang, 10050 Cielo Drive, we’re here! Now the drive only took 5 minutes, so that gives us a whopping 25 minutes to get in the house and kill all the pigs inside! Oh and Charlie always says to leave something witchy behind, so I’ve decided we’ll paint the walls with the victims own blood, or as I like to call it, VOB! After all gang, you murder with your eyes as well as with your hands! Yay! Linda, why don’t you stay in the car and be the lookout in case any pigs come around.

Linda Kasabian: Charlie is not the executioner or the devil. He is my God.

Rachael Ray: Speaking of executioners, I hope you’re all ready gang, because we’ve got just under 23 minutes to execute these pigs and decorate the house in their VOB! Okay kids, one, two, three, let’s get in there and kill the pigs! Wham-O!

Charles “Tex” Watson, Susan “Sadie Mae” Atkins, Patricia Krenwinkel and Linda Kasabian:(in zombie-like unison) Kill the pigs. Death to pigs.

Rachael Ray: Okay, we’re in the house and we have corralled all our victims in under three minutes! How awesome is that, gang? That leaves us plenty of time for brutal killing and murder. Tex has just wrapped a rope around Jay Sebring’s neck. He’s using a rope that he brought from the ranch, but if you don’t have rope, improvise! You could use an electrical cord, copper wire, a phone cord...sometimes I like to go native and use my bare hands! Yay! Sadie has just stabbed Voytek Frykowski to death and she’s carving something into his forehead! She’s using a serrated knife, which is also an excellent knife to cut fresh bread with! She used a towel to tie his hands together, but you could also tear up some of the victim’s sheets and use them as well! Be creative in your killing, gang! It makes it so much more fun when you add your own little gruesome touches to the murder scene! Tex just finished off Abigail Folger by violently stabbing her 51 times and she is dead-O! Yay, all the pigs are dying, just like Charlie wanted and they’re dying in under 30 minutes, kids! This is so awesome! Wowee, Susan just stabbed Sharon Tate to death and she’s carving the unborn fetus out of Sharon’s stomach! Oh, baby! Wheee! I love murder! Yay!

Susan Atkins: I feel no mercy for this pig.

Rachael Ray: Speaking of pigs, there’s still some ham sammies left in the car for the ride home, gang! Okie dokie, everyone’s dead and the gang is now starting to paint the wall’s with the VOB! I think I’ll join in! First I’ll need a paint brush, though! Time to improvise, kids! What I’m going to do is to pull a hunk of Sharon’s hair right out of her scalp and tie the bottom with a rubber band she had around her wrist! Voila! Instant paint brush! This is so awesome! Now let me dip the brush into some VOB and start painting! In honor of my deelish ham sammies, I’m painting “death to pigs” on the refrigerator! This is so much fun! Tex and the rest of the gang have covered the walls with VOB and we have finished this 30 minute murder, with plenty of time to spare! Looks like we’re going to be able to make tonight’s drug fueled orgy back at the Spahn ranch, easily! I just hope I don’t get partnered up with Squeaky, she doesn’t like to bathe and it’s a little funkified when you go south of her border, kids! Yuck-O! We’ll see you next time on Rachel Ray’s Thirty Minute Murders! Till then, death to the pigs, rise and kill and of course, Helter Skelter! Hey, it’s coming down fast, gang! Yay!