April 12, 2011

Okay, time for Battle Number Nine in the delusional idiocy that seems like it’s never going to end ever-exciting, ever-popular, Papaya Wars!

Tonight we’re going to Gray’s Papaya in Greenwich Village at the corner of 6th Avenue and 8th Street. It was suggested by the fine blog onemorefoldedsunset and I believe the equally (emphasis on “e”) impressive blogger esquared mentioned it a couple weeks ago as well.

Oh, and this is going to be what I call a bit of a quickity blickity blog. I’ve got jury duty (insert Pauly Shore joke here) tomorrow, and while I don’t mind jury duty (I’ll write more about that another day), jury duty starts at 8:45. In the fucking morning! And I hate the morning. So let’s go get this shit over with, I’m breaking out in hives just thinking about the alarm clock going off...in the morning! Aaaaahh!

(And please note: If I get stuck on a dayshift jury, this may wreak havoc here at MAD, but I will continue to post daily. Just be patient with me, I might be a little stressed out. I hate morning! And right now it's 7:31 in the morning. FUCK!)

It’s not that far and normally I’d walk, but since I have this obsessive fear about being late for jury duty tomorrow, I’m going to set my alarm for 6:30. In the morning. Fuck!

And here we are. Let’s get this shit over with. Let the battle begin! KHHAAAAAANNN!

You have got to be fucking kidding me! Is there no sanctuary from this dollar pizza mania?

I'm just going to ignore the pizza part of this place and pretend it's not there. Nyah, nyah, nyah nyah, nyah.

Okay, this gentlemen served up tonight's entree. A hot dog with mustard and a small orange papaya drink...

Which, with the help of my little friend, will soon be turned into my patented Screwdapaya drink!

New York Magazine says this place is the best Papaya, but that was written before they turned half of the joint into a stinking one dollar pizza ghetto. They also wrote that Mario Batali is a fan of the place. I don't know about you, but just thinking of that guy in his shorts and orange clogs ruins my appetite.

See what I mean?

I almost forgot my patented Ebony and Ivory ketchup and mustard shot. With all these fake patents looming, I need to find a fake patent attorney.

And now time to head home. I have to get up at 6:30. In the morning. Fuck! KHHAAAAAANNN!

This Week's Papaya Wars Standings.
As always the rankings go from worst to the best. (The latest entry is  in bold.)
8. Hell’s Kitchen Papaya: Because it’s not there anymore.
7. Papaya Dog in Times Square: They don’t have beer and I forgot to bring vodka. Plus my corn dog was borderline cold and they have a cracked window in there which can only mean bad luck to all who enter.
6. Gray’s Papaya at 6th Ave. and 8th St: They don’t have beer but I did remember the vodka for my patented Papaya Wars Screwdapaya drink. New York Magazine declares this the best of all Papaya’s but then tell’s us it’s endorsed by Mario Batali. Thinking about Super Mario in his shorts and orange clogs always cause me to lose my appetite, so that’s going to drag this place down in the ratings. And they get points knocked off for hopping on the dollar pizza wagon train that is multiplying faster than bedbugs in this city. Plus I’ve got jury duty at 8:45 tomorrow. In the fucking morning. KHHAAAAAANNN!
5. Chelsea Papaya: It’s clean, people were nice in there, but there’s no beer.
4. Gray’s Papaya on the Upper West Side: It brings back good memories and the signage is nice, but there’s no beer here and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that horrible taste of the papaya drink out of my mouth or mind.
3. Papaya Dog at 14th and 1st: The staff is super-friendly, it’s clean and the hot dogs are great there. However, they robbed me of my patented Ebony and Ivory ketchup and mustard shot! War is hell.
2. Penn Station Papaya: They’ve got beer!
1. Papaya King on the Upper East Side: They’ve got vodka...okay, you’ve got to bring it yourself and sneak it in, but still, this is the original Papaya King in New York City. They've been in the same spot on this block since 1932. The Beatles ate here on their first trip to New York when they appeared on the The Ed Sullivan Show. So does this put the King in first place for now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gray’s Papaya
402 Sixth Ave. (@8th St.)
212-260-3532

Further reading: Grub Street, DNAinfo, Wall Street Journal and Gothamist.

You might also like: KHHAAAAAANNN!, Juicy Fruit gum and Ice Cubes.

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They left off one, “Morning is totally fucked!

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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Gray’s Papaya @11:33 pm
Upper West Side
Okay, the Papaya Wars continue tonight. So far we’ve gone to the Papaya in Penn Station, the one that got closed in Hell’s Kitchen and last week we hit Chelsea Papaya. Tonight we’re traveling to the Upper West Side to sample a dog at the first Papaya stand I ever hit when I moved to New York City. And tonight is a first, I’m going to try a Papaya drink for the first time in my life. The excitement is almost too much to endure!  Well, not really, but let’s go anyway.

Okay, it's a little after 11:00 in the night and it's off we go.

We'll be taking the subway to the Upper West Side from the all-too familiar Penn Station.

And of course there's got to be some asshole walking down the escalator when there's a perfectly good set of stairs tight next to it. Asshole!

Through the turnstiles and up to the train we go.

This guy was wailing on the clarinet. I took his photo and threw him a buck.

And look at this, less than two minutes and the train is here! Looks like the start of a charmed evening!

The car is jam-packed, lots of people out on this Monday evening.

And here we are, 72nd and Amsterdam on the Upper West Side. The Papaya is just seconds away.

And there it is, right below the Sleepy's store. Let's go check it out.

Baboom! The Upper West Side Gray's Papaya in all its glory.

And there was entertainment as well. Brian was playing his guitar outside the hot doggery.

Get it? Not yet, but give me a minute to order and I will.

There's an STD joke somewhere here, but I'm not going near it.

Here's a window shot of Robert who was enjoying one of the fine dogs in this establishment.

Let's place our order and check out the dog and a papaya drink.

I had a bit of a communication breakdown with this gentleman. English isn't his first language and I couldn't speak the second one. He nervously posed for this photo. I hope it doesn't bring him any trouble.

And here's tonight's meal, a papaya dog and I ordered the pineapple papaya drink. I'm a little nervous about sampling the drink. It looks a little suspicious.

Okay, the hot dog was great, but the papaya drink was really horrific. If you've ever wondered what fermented rat piss tastes like, sadly, I now can tell you. Aaaahhhh!

This place is open 24 hours, so there's always a bundle of dogs on the grill.

Some of the signs on the wall inside.

Some of the vats that house the evil papaya drinks that I just sampled. I don't know if that taste will ever leave my mouth or mind. Yeccch!

And of course, we have to have the ebony and ivory mustard and ketchup shot. What's disturbing to me is that the kethcup is never labled in these places. It can't be Heinz and that makes me nervous.

They sell polite New Yorker buttons in here with Gray's Papaya at the bottom. After much negotiation and sign language, I bought one for a buck.

And after an even longer negotiation, I got him to snap a photo of me wearing it. Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.

This Gray’s Papaya is a popular place. It’s right across from a Subway stop and it’s got the best signage of any Papaya place we’ve been to so far. The crowd is ever-changing in here and it brings back good memories of when I first moved here. Gray’s Papaya has been featured in several movies including: Die Hard with a Vengeance,  You've Got Mail, Fools Rush In and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. But they don’t sell beer and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that horrible taste of the papaya drink out of my mouth or mind. So, here’s my Papaya order so far (from worst to best):

4. Hell’s Kitchen Papaya because it’s not there anymore.
3. Chelsea Papaya, it’s clean, people were nice in there, but there’s no beer.
2. Gray’s Papaya, it brings back good memories and the signage is nice, but there’s no beer here and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that horrible taste of the papaya drink out of my mouth or mind.
1. Penn Station Papaya...they’ve got beer!

Stay tuned to see who wins in the ratings of the Papaya Wars only here on MAD!

Gray’s Papaya
2090 Broadway (between 72nd & 73rd St.)
New York, NY 10023
212-799-0243

Further reading: New York Magazine, You’ve Got Mail, NYC.com and NY Times.

Nightcap

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Bonus Photo!

Tim "Clacky" Clack sent in this bonus photo of a meeting between himself and funny guy Billy Connolly! Check out more of his shenanigans at his fine blog, Tales From The Bunt's Side.