September 13, 2011
A few weeks ago, I went out in search of porno magazines for my Monday “Six Pack” night. Tonight I think I’ll go to a late night magazine and newspaper store and pick up some random magazines and write about them. It’ll take me back to my fishwrap days. I remember back when I was publishing and writing fishwrap, I subscribed to about thirty magazines and would take trips to magazine stores and sometimes buy a pile of around twenty magazines to make fun of. But tonight, it’s off for a six pack of magazines and a bit of a fishwrap flashback.
There's a full moon out tonight. Awoooo!
And we head down Sixth Avenue to get a six pack of magazines. Perfect!
The Universal News Cafe. It's open till midnight and it's loaded with magazines.
See what I mean?
Okay, the magazines have been chosen and rung up, let's go home and take a look at them.
OK!
How They Bill Themselves: “The Magazine The Stars Trust.” What that means: It’s ghost written by publicists.
Cover headline: “A Baby At 47.” Wow, that’s one old baby!
Number of Kim Kardashian photos: Seven.
Scary Headline: “Hugh’s Kid-Tossing Workout!” Wow, and we thought dwarf-tossing was scary! Sheesh!
Woman’s World
How They Bill Themselves: “A great week made easy!” What that means: Prozac, Prozac, Prozac!
Cover Story: “Dr. Travis Stork: H2O Dissolves Fat!” Yeah, like I’m going to believe Dr. Seuss’s bastard child about anything!
Number of Kim Kardashian photos: none. But there is one of Angie Harmon, proving that the editor of Woman’s World is 86-years-old.
Article that’s worth buying the magazine for: “Anti-Aging Tricks! Drink Beer To Prevent Alzheimer’s!”
True fact that proves that that article is a lie: I forgot what I was going to type here.
Highlights
How They Bill Themselves: “Fun With A Purpose.” That’s how I describe masturbation.
Number of Kim Kardashian Photos: None, but there are ten scary drawings of The Timbertoes learning to golf.
A Poem In Highlights That’s a Total Lie:
“My Puppy
By Aileen Fisher
It’s funny,
my puppy
knows just how I feel.
When I’m happy,
he’s happy,
and squirms just like an eel.
It’s funny,
My puppy,
knows such a great deal.”
Uh, I hate to be the one to break it to you, Aileen, but your puppy only knows two things: He’s hungry and he wants to dry-hump your left leg. Sorry to be the one to break it to you.
¡Hola!
How they bill themselves: “En Su Entrevista Mas Esperada.” Huh?
Cover Story: I’m not sure because I don’t know how to read Spanish, but I think it’s something about how Courtney Love hasn’t aged well.
Number of Kim Kardashian photos: Thirteen. ¡Adiós!
In Touch
Cover Story: “A Wedding To Save The Relationship. Exclusive Photos: Despite Joe’s drunken bullying, Teresa refuses to lose him. Inside their emotional, over-the-top second wedding.” Are you like me right now and are you saying: “Who the fuck are these people and why are they on the cover of a magazine?”
Number of Kim Kardashian photos: Only one. But don’t worry, there’s two of Kourtney, so your $2.99 wasn’t spent in vain.
Photo caption that sums up this magazine: “Anybody got a barf bag?”
Every Day With Rachael Ray
Aaaaahhhh!
Further reading: Philadelphia City Paper, Chicago Tribune, NY Daily News and New York Press.
You Might Also Like: Hair of the Dog, Sick as a Dog and How Much is that Doggie in the Window?
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