When you live here in New York, you don’t do a lot of the stuff that people who visit here do. For instance, unless I have a specific reason to go there, I avoid Times Square like the plague. I’ve written about how I don’t like the bright, shiny, family-friendly area that it’s turned into and I just don’t like to be there. But, some of the stuff there may not be so bad after all, how would I know? I’ve never really checked most of the new stuff out there. I’ve decided here at MAD that every once in a while, I’ll do something called: “Tourist Trap OR A Place That’s Actually Worth Checking Out.”
Tonight I thought we’d visit Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditiorium deep in the heart of Times Square. I wanted to make sure they were open late, so I went to their website and went to find their answers on their FAQ page of their website. But...believe it or not, that question wasn’t asked. So I tried calling and...believe it or not, I accidentally called the fax number and got my fucking eardrum blown out. Finally I found out that...believe it or not, they’re open till one in the morning!
And so, let’s find out if Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditiorium is a: Tourist Trap OR A Place That’s Actually Worth Checking Out.
This place is within walking distance from work. Straight up 7th avenue to 42nd street.
Someone alert the fire department, terrorist's have set Lady Gaga's tits on fire! Run and hide!
Okay, here we are at 42nd street, we'll hang a left...
And run into a giant McDonald's sign.
Yeah, save up a lot of dough for a trip to New York and then eat in McDonalds. Warning though: They don't have the McRib in here.
And, believe it or not, here we are.
I like this sign, maybe this place will be cool.
I rarely do as they've led me down so many empty rabbit holes through the years. Okay, let's check this place out!
Wow, they've got Joey Ramone's right tennis shoe on display in here. I don't believe it!
Holy cow! A big stuffed cow! I don't believe the stuff in here! They should rename this place, "Crazyville!"
Wow! A big metal hand! And I can touch it! Excuse me, Ripley's people...I don't believe this! It's pure insanity!
Holy smokes, a picture of a guy with a big cigar...UNBELIEVABLE!
Look at this unbelievable fat woman who probably hasn't washed her private parts for decades. I bet she doesn't smell very well at all. This is all just too hard to believe!
it's a statue of a giant horse! Ripley's, stop toying with my sense of believability! Because, quite frankly, I don't believe any of this!
Holy shitballs, a flying crocodile! Do you believe this shit? Because I truly don't!
Am I really looking at this crazy elephant or is my mind just totally blown? I don't know what to believe anymore after all of this!
Wow, look at this crazy cylindrical device. Okay, I'm screaming. "Uncle" and getting out of here! You got me Ripley's! I can't believe this place even exists!
And the craziest thing of all, I spent close to thirty bucks to look at that shit...I don't believe it! Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
The Verdict
Tourist Trap OR A Place That’s Actually Worth Checking Out?
Souvenir!
I thought that everytime I go on one of these tourist expeditions I'd buy a souvenir from the gift shop. Tonight I got this little glass. I figured it would probably cost around $9.99. I was shocked when I found out it was only $4.99. I couldn't believe it!
Gene Rubbico from the BBC shot this photo when he and Smoopy visited here a couple of weeks ago. It's the Flatiron Building and it's one of my favorite buildings in New York. I've never been able to get a decent shot of it, but Gene took this beautiful photo. Thanks for sharing it, Gene! See you in May!
One of my favorite blogs isJeremiah's Vanishing New York. It's an insightful and knowledgeable blog about New York's ever-changing landscape. Today I'm honored to have a guest entry and photos there. Check it out here: Back To Show Follies.
Okay, time for another battle royale in the Papaya Wars! For those of you keeping track, and I know in my delusional mind that there’s plenty of you out there keeping score, this will be battle number eight. Last week we saw the original Papaya King dramatically jump from last place all the way to the first place position in the all-important standings. Tonight, my Canadian friend Lex has requested that I try the one near the Port Authority bus station in Times Square. She and her in-laws, Morley and Mary Ann made a stop here during their visit last summer after attending a party at the Rum House hosted by Karen and Jon from Grade “A” Fancy. And so, with a bullet in my front pocket, let the battle begin, Barney Fife style, like I even know what all this means.
It's closing in on midnight, I had to work later than usual and i'm a little beat. We'll walk straight up 9th Avenue, 12 blocks to 42nd Street and get this shit over with let the battle begin!
This fellow was trimming flowers outside of a 9th Avenue deli and posed for a photo.
The Papaya Dog on 42nd Street. Let the battles begin...KHAAAAN!
Let's go in and check it out.
Lots of dogs on the grill, but I opted out for a corn dog...
And this fellow served it up. There weren't any large containers of mustard (so much for the patented ebony and ivory shot, strike one) but he offered up this behind the counter container.
And here it is in all its mustardized glory.
I took a large bit and discovered it's barely warm, in fact it's borderline cold. Ecch.
Fuck! I forgot the vodka, no patented Screwdapaya this week. This drink is sickeningly sweet. Let's take a look around here.
The menu hangs on the back wall.
They are the first Papaya place I've seen that serves fish and chips.
They also have a cracked window which can only lead to...obligatory cracked window shot!
This sign reminds me of the fact I forgot the vodka. They really know how to twist the old knife in here. I think it's time to leave.
Am I paranoid or is this truck staring at me? Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
---------------------------------------------
This Week's Papaya Wars Standings. As always the rankings go from worst to the best. 7. Hell’s Kitchen Papaya: Because it’s not there anymore. 6. Papaya Dog in Times Square: They don’t have beer and I forgot to bring vodka. Plus my corn dog was borderline cold and they have a cracked window in there which can only mean bad luck to all who enter. 5. Chelsea Papaya: It’s clean, people were nice in there, but there’s no beer. 4. Gray’s Papaya on the Upper West Side: It brings back good memories and the signage is nice, but there’s no beer here and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that horrible taste of the papaya drink out of my mouth or mind. 3. Papaya Dog at 14th and 1st: The staff is super-friendly, it’s clean and the hot dogs are great there. However, they robbed me of my patented Ebony and Ivory ketchup and mustard shot! War is hell. 2. Penn Station Papaya: They’ve got beer! 1. Papaya King on the Upper East Side: They’ve got vodka...okay, you’ve got to bring it yourself and sneak it in, but still, this is the original Papaya King in New York City. They've been in the same spot on this block since 1932. The Beatles ate here on their first trip to New York when they appeared on the The Ed Sullivan Show. So does this put the King in first place for now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Papaya Dog 578 9th Ave. (@42nd St.) 212-629-0632
Wandering—10:49 pm Times Square Okay, I’m actually writing this introduction after I went out tonight. I was going to try and get photos of something that has now been postponed for about a week. I can’t write about it, but will next week. I know this is all mysterious, but that kind of adds to the fun of it. I hope I can pull off what I want to pull off and I’ll let you know what’s going on next week. Till then, here’s some random photos of me wandering around in Times Square after what I first attempted to do didn’t work out, but hopefully it will next week. Oh, the mystery of it all! (And those of you in the blogosphere who may have figured out what I’m doing, don’t let the cat out of the bag, please?)
And we're off on another chilly night. I can't wait for the spring to get here and it gets warmer outside.
Look at this horny devil!
And here we are in the heart of Times Square, sadly a place that is never really dark.
This was a funny photo to take. I asked the guy if I could take his photo and he happily agreed. Then when I put the camera up, he hid his face with his hand. A true Sean Penn moment.
This guy made me think of Tiki Bar Susie and her love for horses. Sorry you're trapped in one of the worst places of New York big fella! Try and escape soon!
After what I came here for went south for the time being, I wandered into a souvenir shop. Of course there's t-shirts in here.
Alert the media, the Statue of Liberty has shrunk!
This little piggy loves New York.
A bottle opener and lighter all in one, who could ask for anything more?
I was pissed there wasn't a "Marty Ave." Oh well, no money for you!
Hey, hey they're The Monkees and people say they monkey around. Unless you buy them though, it's highly unlikely that they may be coming to your town.
And of course the tour must end with an obligatory souvenir gift shop mirror shot.
And yes, I did get caught up in the moment and purchased a few items myself...
I got (from left), an I heart NY pen, a bottle opener and coaster I heart NY set, an I heart NY bottle opener (I need to start buying bottles of beer instead of cans and an I heart NY piggy bank. I heart my purchases. This post will be continued next week. Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
-------------------------------- First Thing I Said When I Woke Up Today “Fuck.” Next thing I said when I realized I had no diet Mountain Dew: “Fuck!” What I said when I accidentally slammed my toe into the corner of one of the wooden beam that holds up my loft bed: “FUCK!” What I said while going to the bathroom, four minutes later: Nothing. I’m almost always silent while doing my business and usually read. Today it was “Catcher in the Rye” which I bought the other night at the Strand bookstore. --------------------------------
Back when I was doing the 365 bars, I posted a blog entry from "Jerry's Bar" featuring some custom made coasters at the basement bar. MAD commenter and blogger, Tim "Clacky" Clack asked if there was any way I could send him some for his Bunt Custer's backyard bar in Australia and I dutifully sent some off along with a copy of my old magazine, fishwrap. Below are some photos and captions that Clacky sent back. Enjoy!
Where's my Fishwrap and Jerry's coasters!
Ladies and Gentleblokes, from a whirlwind tour of Peoria, Illinois, New York City and various outlets for registered mail, I present beer coasters c/o Jerry Wombacher and fishwrap Magazine c/o MAD Marty Wombacher!
The King, Jerry's and I.
More proof of their arrival.
Money shot!
Crazy old magazine filling my head with nonsense. Yes. Rat Commie Bastard.
When I moved to New York in 1993, Times Square wasn’t as sleazy and skeezy as the ‘70’s or ‘80’s were, but it definitely had its spots. There were 24 hour triple-X movie houses, massage parlors, adult bookstores, strip clubs and one place had them all in one handy location: Show World.
Show World was the place I would always take friends who were visiting and had never been to New York and I wanted to show them a real slice of sleazy porno cheese. It was like a mall of porn. It was a multi-level building with peepshows, X-rated magazines, X-rated videos for sale, sex toys, sex dolls, and on one floor scantily clad women were standing outside of rooms divided into two with a wall of glass dividing the space. For a fee you could go in the room and then instruct the woman via a two-way phone to do whatever you wanted her to do with herself. I don’t know if you had to tip extra for really weird things, because I never employed the services of these women, they were too scary looking to even be in a room with a solid glass wall between the two of you. Half of them had needle tracks running up and down their arms and they looked like spaced-out zombie skanks, with dark grey circles under their glassy eyes.
It was always interesting and kind of creepy hanging out in there and seeing the different kinds of customers and bathing in the sometimes uneasy and awkward amibiance of a sex mall. It was exclusively male customers, I never saw a female customer in there once. But there were guys from every walk of life: High rollers in custom made suits, construction workers taking a break or indulging in some X-rated action before going home to the wife and kids out on Long Island, out-of-towners looking for some quick action in the Big Apple and even homeless guys who had managed to panhandle enough to afford a token for entry.
Well, in 1994, Rudolph William Louis “Rudy” Giuliani became the 107th Mayor of New York City. And he vowed to clean this city up. And XXX marked one of the spots that he decided to take his lily-white mop and bucket to and scrub it all away and turn Times Square into a sea of G-rated candy-coated glop. Strict city zoning ordinances were put in place and the porn and strippers and sex stores turned into a Disney Store, a Hard Rock Cafe and the world’s largest Forever 21 store. All of a sudden those track-marked skanks are looking pretty good to me.
I was thinking about this today and I remembered that one of the last hold-outs in the porno market in Times Square was Show World. I remember when the shit was going down and everything was being shuttered and turned into shiny new family-friendly outlets that they had escaped through a loophole back then. If I remember correctly they turned the top floor into an actual theater that hosted plays, music and comedy. This gave them status as a theater and I read the other floors retained the porn and the skeezy vibe. I haven’t been near Show World in years, because I try to avoid going near Times Square and seeing things like the world’s biggest Red Lobster restaurant and a Hershey Store as big as Macy’s, but I thought it might be a good destination for MAD. I’ve heard conflicting stories about whether it’s still open or not, so now my curiosity has got the best of me and so that’s tonight’s after dark destination. It’ll be really dicey getting photos inside (if by chance I get a picture with someone’s face, I will blur it out to protect identities), but at the very least I can get some photos of the outside and document it that way.
Okay, here we are at 30th and 8th, just about 12 blocks up and we'll be there.
Goddamn, these dollar pizza joints are really starting to get on my last nerve. And, yeah, I admit I eat at them now and again, but it always feels like you've raped your stomach when you're finished eating this slop.
Oh boy, now here's a welcome sight, Gray's Papaya. I love their hot dogs.
Hell yeah! And there's a little Papaya man working here that's really nice, and was really friendly, I'm going to eat this dog and see if I can get a photo of him.
I asked him for a photo and he stood up and posed for me. I kind of felt like we bonded at this moment.
Franks For Your Business!! Love the Grays Papaya!
40th and 8th, just about two more blocks and we're there.
Bright lights, big city, but is there still a Show World? Only about a block away and we'll find our answer.
Private booths, great, I know in there I can take photos. Looks like a promising evening indeed.
The burned out lights are perfect.
I found a little crack in the windows where I can take a picture inside at someone fishing through the porn. And if you look closely on the left: Unintentional Show World windw reflection shot!
I'm pushing my luck a little and taking a shot from the front door. This guy looks like he's really stocking up. He's going to really hand it to himself when he gets home tonight. Okay, I'm a little nervous to go in. I'm afraid I won't be able to get any pictures and that hotdog left me a little thirsty. I think I'll have a beer and put together a game plan.
Ha! I've walked less than a block and ran into one of my old 365 spots! Let's stop in and see if we know anyone in here.
There's a seat at the end of the bar with our name on it. Let's snag it.
And look, there's Tracy and John, looking even better than the last time we saw them! It was great to see them and I had a beer and worked up a game plan for Show World. I'd go to a viewing booth first, take some pictures in there and then try and take some pictures of the outside room.
And awaaay we go!
Okay, I made it into one of the viewing booths, that's the good news. The bad news is your dollar to watch a movie goes here, and there's...well...stains everywhere. Stains of what I like to call manonaise. This isn't an easy moment.
In fact I just had a flashback of this and I feel just a tad bit queasy. But, as they say, the show must go on. Luckily, even though it was warm outside today, I still have my gloves in my coat. I'll put them on and put a dollar in the machine and see what happens.
Okay, the movie has started but there's four going on at once and it's a little nerve-wracking.
Oh, I looked over here and see you have to pick which movie you want to watch by pushing a button. Boy, I really don't like touching stuff in here, even with a glove on my hand.
But these four movies all going at once are driving me insane. Okay, time to push the button, I'll throw the gloves away when I leave, winter's almost over anyway.
This is the one I chose.
She's cute, but a little bit of a trash taiker, I have to confess.
The plot line was a bit confusing, but I'm in agreement with these two fine fellows, she sure is one saucy vixen! Right after this scene the movie stopped. You only get about two minutes for a buck and that was fine with me, I really wanted out of this room. The stains and close quarters were starting to creep me out big time.
Okay, now I'm out in the main room. Show World has turned into a sad and dilapidated place of what it used to be. Just rows of X-rated DVD's, some magazines and a wall of sex toys. It was tough taking pictures because there's couple of security guys watching everything. I took this one with the camera at my side while pretending to browse.
Here's another shot, yeah I know it sucks, but what am I supposed to do under these conditions? At least I'm trying.
Here's a shot of the back of the room and some of the viewing booths back here. Oh shit, just as I took this someone yelled, "Hey, what are you doing?" Maybe they have wall cameras or something. I jammed the camera in my coat pocket and a burly Hispanic guy came running over to me. "What the hell are you doing?" he screamed at me. I just smiled, pointed to my mouth and ears and then gave him some fake sign language with my fingers, pretending to be deaf and dumb. "You get out of here!" He screamed, while pointing to the door. At least I got a couple photos, so I scrambled out the door and lit out into Times Square.
I walked aimlessly for a block looking at the pictures on my camera and laughing about what had just happened and when I looked up, what did I see but this. Holy smoking Jesus, there's just no escape. To quote Richard Hell: "Please kill me." Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
I once pitched a Show World idea to my editor at Time Out New York when I used to do some freelance writing for them. They usually have some sort of theme to the issue (the first piece I ever wrote for them was about working a night job, I should’ve included that in yesterday’s post!) and one of the upcoming feature sections was going to be about the worst jobs in New York City. I laughed and told him I had a great idea.
The first time I ever went to Show World was about a month after I had lived in New York. I had heard about the place and walked by it, but felt weird going in alone. I was brand new to the city and was still in a little bit of a state of shock about living in New York City. But my older brother Jim came to see me after I was here for about a month and we tore the town up during his visit. One of the first spots we hit was Times Square and we went to all the sleazy joints. There used to be one store that billed itself as the largest XXX video store in the world a couple blocks from Show World near 8th avenue. The place was huge and we went in and started laughing at all the porno film names like: “Backsides to the Future,” “On Golden Blonde” and “Sperms of Endearment.” My personal favorite was one that simply billed itself as, “Blowin’ in the Wind.” Subtlety at its finest hour. Anyway, we ended up at Show World half in the bag and we were goofing around. We started watching guys going into video booths. They’d run in and then in a few minutes they’d run back out again all red-faced and heading towards the door, hoping good neighbor Sam didn’t see him after he had just polished the pope in a public pulpit. We noticed that as soon as a guy would rush out of the booth, a little guy with a mop and bucket would run over and mop the inside.
“Holy shitballs,” I remember saying to my brother, “that guy’s a fucking cum-cleaner!” And we both fell over in laughter. Now if that’s not the worst fucking job in New York City, I don’t know what is. I mean can you imagine meeting someone at a party or a bar and they ask you what you do? And you have to answer, “Oh, I clean up the cum over at Show World, but I just do it to pay the rent. I’m really a writer, honest, I’ve got a blog!”
So I pitched the idea to my editor to either go there and try to talk to a cum-cleaner or better still, maybe apply for the job and do an undercover piece about being a cum-cleaner at Show World. I told him if I could pull it off it could be a cover story.
I don’t remember his exact words, but it was something to the effect of, “You’ve got to be out of your fucking mind.”
Maybe that’s why I never got a staff-writing job there.
When you live here in New York, you don’t do a lot of the stuff that people who visit here do. For instance, unless I have a specific reason to go there, I avoid Times Square like the plague. I’ve written about how I don’t like the bright, shiny, family-friendly area that it’s turned into and I just don’t like to be there. But, some of the stuff there may not be so bad after all, how would I know? I’ve never really checked most of the new stuff out there. I’ve decided here at MAD that every once in a while, I’ll do something called: “Tourist Trap OR A Place That’s Actually Worth Checking Out.”
But...believe it or not, that question wasn’t asked. So I tried calling and...believe it or not, I accidentally called the fax number and got my fucking eardrum blown out. Finally I found out that...believe it or not, they’re open till one in the morning!
This place is within walking distance from work. Straight up 7th avenue to 42nd street.
Someone alert the fire department, terrorist's have set Lady Gaga's tits on fire! Run and hide!
Okay, here we are at 42nd street, we'll hang a left...
And run into a giant McDonald's sign.
Yeah, save up a lot of dough for a trip to New York and then eat in McDonalds. Warning though: They don't have the McRib in here.
And, believe it or not, here we are.
I like this sign, maybe this place will be cool.
I rarely do as they've led me down so many empty rabbit holes through the years. Okay, let's check this place out!
Wow, they've got Joey Ramone's right tennis shoe on display in here. I don't believe it!
Holy cow! A big stuffed cow! I don't believe the stuff in here! They should rename this place, "Crazyville!"
Wow! A big metal hand! And I can touch it! Excuse me, Ripley's people...I don't believe this! It's pure insanity!
Holy smokes, a picture of a guy with a big cigar...UNBELIEVABLE!
Look at this unbelievable fat woman who probably hasn't washed her private parts for decades. I bet she doesn't smell very well at all. This is all just too hard to believe!
it's a statue of a giant horse! Ripley's, stop toying with my sense of believability! Because, quite frankly, I don't believe any of this!
Holy shitballs, a flying crocodile! Do you believe this shit? Because I truly don't!
Am I really looking at this crazy elephant or is my mind just totally blown? I don't know what to believe anymore after all of this!
Wow, look at this crazy cylindrical device. Okay, I'm screaming. "Uncle" and getting out of here! You got me Ripley's! I can't believe this place even exists!
And the craziest thing of all, I spent close to thirty bucks to look at that shit...I don't believe it! Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
Tourist Trap OR A Place That’s Actually Worth Checking Out?
I thought that everytime I go on one of these tourist expeditions I'd buy a souvenir from the gift shop. Tonight I got this little glass. I figured it would probably cost around $9.99. I was shocked when I found out it was only $4.99. I couldn't believe it!
Four Famous Lies
I am not a crook!
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